


Murder

by 305unreal



Series: Campus Housing [9]
Category: Gotham (TV), Merlin (TV), Recess (Cartoon), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crofter's Organic Spread (Sanders Sides), Gen, M/M, Misunderstandings, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23680468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/305unreal/pseuds/305unreal
Summary: The housemates talk about a murder over the breakfast table
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Morality | Patton Sanders & Edward Nygma, Oswald Cobblepot/Victor Zsasz
Series: Campus Housing [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702978
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	Murder

**Author's Note:**

> I need to get some sleep, but I just keep writing for this storyline.

Saturday morning, Ed sees his reflection in the glimmering knife as he plunges it down with meticulous expertise. He grins as the salty red liquid winds up on his hands and face. Patton walks into the kitchen at that moment and laughs as well.

“Save some for me, kiddo.”

Ed caps the Crofter’s jam and wipes it off his face, only to lick it away. Upon biting into the sandwich, Oswald rounds the kitchen corner holding Victor’s hand. Ed meets Oswald’s gaze, and the latter narrows his eyes.

“That better not be all the smooth peanut butter.”

“Don’t worry,” Patton assures him. “We’ve got plenty of peanut butter, and we’ve still got a jar of Crofter’s.”

As though the brand was a magic word, Logan instantly appears in the doorway. “Are we making sandwiches?”

Ed nods and takes a bite of his. However, he’s got an obvious grimace on his face, and Patton notices.

“Are you alright, Bud?”

Ed nods while Oswald, Victor, and Logan begin making their sandwiches. Patton doesn’t believe Ed.

“Now, Ed, I’m not going to force you to tell me. But if you need someone to talk to”

“I’ve been doing my English homework, so I’ve been thinking about something…”

Patton nods. “Would you like to share?”

Ed blinks owlishly. “Murder.”

The single word causes the kitchen to come to a complete halt. Hesitantly, Patton takes a small step away.

“And _why_ has murder been on your mind?”

Unknown to the kids in the kitchen, Randall, Merlin, Virgil, and Jim have come down the stairs and are just outside when this sentence registers in the air. They stop.

“I’ve been trying to figure out the perfect murder.” He continues without noticing the others frozen in place. “I was thinking of asking Jim or Randall to help.”

Oswald and Victor keep their butter knives in their hands as they back away from the counter. Logan and Patton also back away, and Ed suddenly realizes what they’re doing.

“Wait!” Everyone freezes, and he cautiously smiles. “It’s for English class. We need to write a ‘how-to’ essay. Since I’m majoring in forensics, I’m writing ‘How to Commit the Perfect Murder’.”

The kids collectively let out a relieved sigh. The kids from the hall walk into the kitchen and Ed faces everyone.

“Oz, how would _you_ commit the perfect murder?”

Oswald tilts his head. “I’d imagine someone betraying my trust in some form. I’d injure their knees so they’d fall, and I could knock them unconscious. I’d tie them up, torture them with a rage comparable to a thousand suns. And then I’d choke them while wearing gloves. And Vic would help me bury them out in the open where everyone would overlook.”

Logan nearly drops his Crofter’s at the detail. Ed gawks.

“That’s too complex for me. Would you do the same, Victor?”

Victor swallows the last bite of his sandwich. “I’d break into their home saying I’m from the drug bust police. And I’d shoot ‘em multiple times with an AK47.”

Ed stares blankly. “But you couldn’t get away with that.”

“Don’t give a damn,” Victor smirks. “That’d be my perfect murder. Not my best-planned one.”

Oswald openly laughs at his boyfriend’s distinction and gives him a quick kiss. Ed coughs awkwardly.

“Logan. I’m sure you’ve got a well-thought-out plan.”

Logan hums and taps his jam jar. “I suppose I would host a dinner party but only invite my victim and claim that everyone else was stuck in traffic or had some last-minute plans. But I’d lace my victim’s ice cubes and keep offering to refill the drink. Eventually, the poison would be digested, and I’d finish the meal with my victim’s corpse slowly rotting at the table. After I’d clean the dishes, I’d take my victim’s body to the garage where I’d sever their limbs and slice all the meat off their bones. I’d process the carcass in the compost and alternate flushing pieces down the best working toilet in my vicinity and serving pieces in chili for the community.”

The boys gawk farther.

“What did the community do to you?” Merlin asks. “If you’re killing one person, you shouldn’t incriminate an entire community by turning them into cannibals.”

“How would _you_ do it, Mer?” Ed asks, excited to hear.

Merlin shrugs. “Plain and simple. Kidnap my victim, starve and torture them, and then electrocute them in water, and set them up to be struck by lightning. Force of nature and I’m off the hook.”

“I should’ve known you’d have a dumb way to kill someone, Cabbagehead.”

Arthur walks into the kitchen for some cereal. As he’s pouring the milk, Merlin scowls.

“How would _you_ kill someone, then?”

“Well, if I were to kill someone, it’d start as a heated argument. I’d black out from rage, and in my inhuman space, I’d have found a knife. Stabbed them and split their skull open. Couldn’t be tried because I wouldn’t have been technically awake during the fight.”

Randall scoffs, polishing off his Pop-Tart. Arthur narrows his eyes in a silent question.

“Well, if I were killing someone, we’d get into a fight. And I’d mostly be ducking until we got out of the public eye. Like, maybe an alley. And I’d rabbit punch them in the back of their head so their brain would detach from the stem. And since everyone saw me dodging and trying not to fight, I wouldn’t even be one of the top ten suspects.”

“So, you’d be a coward so no one would know you were a killer?” Menlo asks, opening the fridge. “Smart.”

Menlo managed to slink into the kitchen unnoticed. “I think if I were to kill someone, I’d simply hire a hitman to target some wealthy person I was close to. Or at least, that’s how it’d look. And I’d perfectly play the heartbroken role.”

“Cold,” Roman comments, finding Patton’s leftover spaghetti to reheat. “I’d just take my victim to the city. Somewhere that’s already rundown with crime, and I’d hang them by their ankles over a sky-rise building and torture them. And then, after they’d apologize, I’d drop them. And just walk away. The end.”

“The End, huh?” Virgil asks, grabbing some waffle mix. “It’s always a fairy tale with you, isn’t it?”

“Got a better murder scheme?”

“Anyone’s is better than that.” He scoffs. “I’d stalk my victim, catch them off-guard in the dark, and I’d strangle them with rope. They’d never see me.”

“Jim?” Ed turns to his roommate. “How would you commit the perfect murder?”

“Well… it’s not something I think about often.” He admits. “But… I’d probably force the victim down on their knees at gunpoint and ask if they know why I’m going to kill them. And then I’d just let them stew until they figured it out, and then I’d kill them. And hide their body under a tree.”

Oswald blinks. “That’s just stupid.”

Virgil looks over at Roman. “I’m with Oz. Princey, your idea’s not so dumb anymore.”

Jim frowns. “I’m sure my idea’s better than at least _one_ person. You’ve never thought about murder, have you, Pat?”

Patton jumps at being addressed. “Well, kiddo…” He trails off, unsure of how to finish his statement.

Logic raises an eyebrow. “Much as I never thought I’d ask this, Patton, how would you commit the perfect murder?”

“I’d probably get mad at someone, but I’d forgive them like I always do. But if it persisted, I’d just pretend to forgive. I’d lure my victim into a secluded area, promising them a great adventure based off a dream I had,” Patton’s facial features turn slightly disturbing as he keeps going. “And I’d just wait until they were distracted, and _stab_ them in the back. I’d slice their body to fit them into a fabric bag and tie it shut with cable ties.”

“That’s creepy,” Virgil responds.

“And illogical,” Oswald adds. “How would that not point the kill toward you?”

“Oh, well, Lo can help me soak the bag in gasoline and ignite it.” He smiles sweetly, “Are you going to use one of our ideas, Ed?”

Ed shakes his head, still in shock from Patton’s view on the perfect murder.

“Nah. I’ll just hang out in the shadows and use a sniper rifle. I have excellent aim.”

“I don’t think you can write an entire report on something as simple as that.” Merlin frowns.

Ed shrugs. “You’d be surprised. Who wants to play rummy?”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm almost done with the one after this one...


End file.
